4-Year-Old Won’t Share? Understanding Why and How to Encourage Kindness

April 2nd, 2025 / By Olivia Maitre

Two young girls are seated at a red table in a classroom or playroom, interacting with each other and art supplies. The girl on the left, wearing a blue floral dress and a yellow bow in her hair, reaches out to the other girl. The girl on the right, wearing a light purple shirt, holds a red crayon. Scattered on the table are colored pencils, crayons, drawings, and a pink crayon box. A colorful chart hangs on the wall in the background, and a shelving unit with toys and supplies is slightly visible. The scene depicts a moment of sharing or collaboration during an art activity.

Introduction: Why Sharing is Hard for 4-Year-Olds

Does your 4-year-old refuse to share, grabbing toys back from friends or not wanting to take turns? You’re not alone. Learning how to teach a child to share is a common challenge at this age. For researchers, this is completely expected and developmentally normal. But for parents, it can feel frustrating to navigate. Children need to learn how to share to make and keep friends, play cooperatively, and cope with disappointment. Sharing is key for parenting tips for preschoolers, especially as they start playdates, preschool, or kindergarten.

In this article, we will explore why 4-year-olds won’t share, how to encourage generosity, and practical strategies for parents to foster cooperation.

Why Do 4-Year-Olds Struggle with Sharing?

An animated GIF shows a toddler with short, curly brown hair and a light blue collared shirt with animal prints. The child's mouth is open, and they appear to be either speaking animatedly, yelling, or possibly singing. The lower portion of the GIF is blurred, possibly indicating a table or other surface in front of the child. The background is also slightly out of focus, suggesting an indoor setting.

At age 4, children are still developing a wide range of cognitive abilities. From empathy to understanding others’ feelings, learning about ownership, personal boundaries, and learning how to count, it’s fair to say it’s an age that is bursting with social, emotional, and intellectual growth. This period is marked by rapid learning, curiosity-driven exploration, and the foundation for key life skills—making it both a challenging and incredibly rewarding stage for both children and caregivers.

This rapid growth phase explains their sharing struggles. At age 4, children are still in the basic empathy stage (3-5 years), where understanding others’ viewpoints is emerging but inconsistent. They may recognise a peer’s desire for a toy, but prioritise their own immediate wishes. Their cognitive empathy, which is critical for voluntary sharing, isn’t fully developed until later childhood.

It’s important to also mention the emotional attachment they may have with some toys that have strong sentimental value - it may make it difficult for them to share. They may also see their toys as extensions of themselves, which can explain their desire for control.

When your 4-year-old won’t share, it’s often rooted in developmental factors like fear of losing their item—they may not yet understand it’s temporary. This is a common toddler sharing struggle. Refusing to share also serves as boundary-testing; kids observe reactions from adults and peers to learn social limits. Sometimes, preschoolers resist sharing to seek attention or explore what behaviors are acceptable, which is typical at this age. Recognising these triggers helps parents address sharing challenges in toddlers with empathy, turning conflicts into teachable moments.

Additionally, their undeveloped counting skills impact their understanding of distributing resources fairly because they don't yet understand how to share equally. This cognitive limitation explains why young children often struggle with fair distribution - they simply can't yet comprehend equal portions or taking turns systematically. These sharing difficulties in early childhood are completely normal developmental hurdles. With gentle guidance and age-appropriate activities, parents can help their little ones gradually grasp the concept of equitable sharing as their mathematical thinking matures.

All this being said, rest assured - sharing is a learned skill, not an innate one, and it takes time to develop. Four-year-olds aren’t being selfish - they’re neurologically unequipped to consistently share without scaffolding. As cognitive empathy will mature by age 5-7, it will improve!

How to Encourage Sharing Without Forcing It

Two young girls are playing outdoors on a grassy area next to a paved path. A toddler, dressed in a Snow White costume with a yellow skirt, sits holding a small toy. An older girl, wearing a light purple top and dark pants, crouches beside her, reaching out and interacting with the younger child. A light blue bag with yellow trim sits near the toddler, and colorful segmented plastic toys are scattered on the grass. The background features green grass, trees, and a glimpse of a fence, indicating a park or backyard setting.

As mentioned in our other article about 4-year-olds’ development, children learn best by watching. Try to demonstrate sharing in daily interactions. For example, say, “I’m going to share my snack with you because I love sharing yummy things!” Modeling generosity in everyday life can go a long way to tackling a 4-year-old’s problem with sharing.

When you can, guide your child when they need to share (at playdates for instance), without forcing them. Encouragement and practice will help your child to learn how to share. Say things like: “That was kind of you to let your friend play with your truck!” Praising sharing behaviour when it happens naturally is also very impactful. Positive reinforcement is proven to help solve many 4-year-old's developmental challenges.

Another effective way to teach sharing to your child is to introduce the concept of turn-taking. Children learn sharing best when they can complete their play before passing toys along, rather than having to surrender them after an arbitrary time limit. You could say, “when you’re done with that, will you give it to your friend? Thank you!”

Respect Their Special Items

A young girl with blonde hair in pigtails, wearing a light-colored sparkly top and a blue tulle skirt, holds a small toy campfire with orange flames above her head. In front of her on a wooden table sits an open book with colorful illustrations, possibly about camping. A stylized felt frog puppet or toy is positioned next to a small toy teepee. A light-colored couch is visible in the softly blurred background.

Help your child navigate sharing challenges with peers by designating certain toys as off-limits during playdates. This validates their feelings while encouraging them to select alternative toys they feel comfortable sharing. This balanced approach to toy sharing boundaries teaches preschoolers autonomy while gradually building generosity. Research shows children develop healthy sharing habits when they retain control over prized possessions.

Use Storytelling and Books About Sharing

This image shows two pages from a children's book featuring llamas and block play. On the left page, a llama named Nelly stacks yellow blocks, creating a wall. Another llama, Fuzzy Llama, plays with a small stuffed toy near the blocks. The accompanying text describes their actions. The right page depicts Nelly and Fuzzy Llama continuing their block play, having built a larger structure resembling a castle or tower. A third character, a dark-haired llama wearing a purple sweater, joins them, playing with a small blue doll and a toy boat in a makeshift moat. The text prompts the reader to consider how sharing can enhance playtime.

From book ‘Llama Llama Time to Share’ by Anna Dewdney, 2012

Incorporate children’s literature that models cooperative play skills and emotional intelligence. Books like Llama Llama Time to Share visually demonstrate turn-taking strategies and the rewards of kindness. Reading these together creates natural opportunities to discuss real-life sharing scenarios for kids, reinforcing lessons through relatable characters. This method aligns with child development research - showing stories effectively teach social-emotional concepts to young children.

Fun Activities to Teach Sharing Through Play

Cooperative STEAM Activities

One of the most effective ways to nurture sharing skills is through cooperative STEAM play—where children work together on building projects like block towers, team up for simple science experiments like baking soda volcanoes, or collaborate on group art creations. These interactive learning activities naturally teach preschoolers about taking turns, sharing materials, and working as a team while keeping the experience fun and engaging. At Tinkerer, we design our STEAM subscription boxes for 4-year-olds with exactly these principles in mind, packing each kit with hands-on projects that encourage teamwork—whether it's constructing shared structures, conducting paired experiments, or creating collaborative artwork. By framing sharing as part of the adventure, children develop these essential social skills without even realising they're learning!

Role-Playing Games

A young girl, wearing a white dress and a bright yellow cape shaped like bird wings, extends her arms as if in flight. She also wears a blue owl mask, complete with white feather accents, which covers her eyes and nose. She appears to be outdoors on a grassy field, likely a park or playground, and smiles at the camera. The cape's design includes darker yellow feather shapes, adding detail to the costume.

Our Birds role-playing box, part of our ‘Wonder’ collection made for kids aged 3-5, transforms children into storytellers while nurturing key social-emotional skills. By designing their own wings and masks, kids don't just craft costumes—they step into a bird’s world, which naturally encourages empathy and perspective-taking. As they "fly" together or act out bird behaviours, they practice interpreting emotions ("Is my friend’s bird happy or scared?") and responding appropriately—a cornerstone of emotional intelligence development. The included kite-making activity further reinforces sharing through collaboration. Children learn to take turns decorating the kite, problem-solve if materials are limited ("Can we share these feathers?"), and celebrate shared achievements—all while strengthening hand-eye coordination.

This box is ideal to arrange small group playdates where play-based learning is involved, and where children practice taking turns. Ideally, praise and encourage sharing moments as they happen.

What to Avoid When Teaching Sharing

A young boy, wearing a gray shirt and dark pants, sits on a light-colored couch with various pillows and a green blanket. He has his hands over his ears, his face scrunched up in distress. A woman, presumably his mother, kneels beside the couch, wearing a white long-sleeved shirt and light-colored shorts. She points a finger at him, her expression serious and seemingly reprimanding. The scene appears to depict a conflict or disagreement between the mother and child within a living room setting.

When guiding your preschooler to share, certain approaches can backfire. Forcing kids to share often breeds resentment instead of genuine generosity—research shows children learn voluntary sharing better through positive experiences than pressure. Similarly, punishment for not sharing can create negative associations; opt for gentle redirection instead, like saying, "I see you're not ready to share that yet. Let's find another toy for your friend." This validates feelings while modeling problem-solving.

Avoid comparing children's sharing habits, such as saying, "Look how nicely your friend shares!" These comparisons can spark shame or rivalry. Instead, nurture individual progress by noticing efforts: "You shared your crayons yesterday—that made your friend so happy!" By steering clear of these pitfalls, you’ll create a supportive environment where sharing skills develop organically.

When to Be Concerned About Sharing Behaviour

Two young girls sit on a red park bench, engaged in a playful tug-of-war over a light purple book. The younger girl on the left, wearing a striped shirt and coral pants, pulls the book towards herself. The older girl, with a long braid and wearing a teal and white striped sleeveless top and navy leggings, pulls the book in the opposite direction. Other books are visible on the bench beside them, and the background shows green grass and trees, suggesting a park setting.

While most young children go through phases of struggling to share, certain behaviours may indicate deeper developmental needs worth exploring. Parents should observe their child’s sharing habits closely if they notice persistent aggression (like hitting or biting over toys) continuing past age 4, or if their child shows consistent refusal to engage with peers during play. Other red flags include significant difficulty recognising emotions in others or responding appropriately when friends are upset. These social-emotional challenges, especially when combined with other developmental concerns like limited eye contact, rigid play patterns, or frequent meltdowns during group activities, may benefit from professional insight. Consulting a pediatrician or child psychologist can help determine whether these behaviours are typical preschooler struggles or might reflect underlying social skills delays. While occasional sharing conflicts are normal, consistent patterns alongside other communication difficulties may warrant targeted support strategies to help your child thrive socially.

Conclusion: Encouraging Sharing with Patience and Play

A young child with two small pigtails, wearing a light pink long-sleeved shirt, gives a high five to a woman with long brown hair wearing a peach-colored shirt. The child appears focused on a table in front of them, which holds a brown mat covered with colorful pieces of playdough or modeling clay and a small tool. The woman smiles at the child, engaging in a positive interaction, likely after completing a playdough activity. A light-colored couch and a white cabinet are visible in the softly lit background, suggesting a home or playroom setting.

At 4 years old, sharing struggles are normal but temporary. With positive reinforcement, modeling, and play-based learning, your child will gradually develop this essential social skill. Our STEAM subscription kits make sharing natural through collaborative projects that combine fun with teamwork. By turning cooperation into exciting discoveries, we help kids learn that generosity makes playtime better. Every small step—celebrated with patience—builds toward confident social-emotional growth.

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@Tinkerer 2024